Being a people lover and having studied my kind since I knew how to effectively, I have learned a thing or two about how we think, act and feel. Being female has naturally given me more of an inkling as to how my gender rolls. I’m a girl’s girl.
I’ve spent most of my years in the company of females. I’ve seen them all: the girl-next-door, the gold digger, the thrill-seeker, the control freak, the geek and the power-hungry huntress just to name a few. What’s most interesting about these different women is that they ALL fall predominantly under one of the following categories: Miss, Mrs or Mummy.
You see, it’s no secret that not ALL women are meant to be wives or mothers. By the same token, not all women are meant to stay single. It may seem like common sense but it’s the opposite of that, I assure you. Most of us haven’t fully grasped that we may all be the same but we’re really very different. Some of us are great at marriage but suck with kids, some of us make wonderful mums but less than impressive wives, and some of us just can’t be either because we are free spirits meant to live and die alone.
Unfortunately we’ve been conditioned to believe that falling under at least two (Mrs & Mummy) of the three categories is best case scenario. Why then are there so many unhappily married women, miserable single women and crazy mums all over the place? I truly believe that it is because majority of us have gone with flow too easily only to realise that at some point the flow was working against us.
Are you following me so far? Stay with me and you’ll fully understand what I’m getting at. But first know that the purpose for this blog post is not to confuse you or cause you any regret about the choices you’ve made so far but rather give you more clarity as to why it is you feel the way you do about your marriage, or spouse or children; because you may not have derived at this yet but you are either Miss, Mrs or Mummy at heart. You could encompass all three to some extent but you are predominantly ONE. Let me break it down for you:
1. Miss – She loves her freedom and independence. She enjoys doing everything herself and finds it difficult to stroke egos and give respect unless doing so makes good sense. Even at 50, she has the heart of an 18 year old. She wants to get drunk, get laid, get a degree, get pregnant, get an abortion, get fat, get thin, get on a plane and get going WHENEVER she feels like it. She enjoys the company of both male and female friends and likes the idea that friendship boundaries can be crossed on a Thursday night when she’s bored and lonely. She loves the opposite sex a bit too much to stay in a monogamous relationship. ‘To each her own’ is the ideal way to live as far as Missy is concerned and she frowns upon those who easily do what society dictates. Her opinion matters and she ensures that she is heard when she has one. She hates being confined and looks forward to change. If a Miss did get married, she’d probably not be keen on kids (too much commitment there). She may or may not need to start a family. Work could qualify as family and success her ‘child’. If she did decide to get married and have kids, she’d fight to raise them HER way. No diamond ring, mansion, private jet or batmobile can ‘tie a Miss down’. Even if you do get her to say ‘I do,’ she should at all times have the freedom to say ‘I don’t, I can’t, I won’t’ or it won’t be long before she says, ‘I’m done’.
2. Mrs – She loves being married. She always wanted to be a wife. ‘Husband’ is her favourite word. All the jobs, vacations, accessories, books, clothes, shoes, diets, yoga and cooking classes were in preparation for the one and only Mr Right. She was priming herself for marriage all along. Everything she has ever done was leading up to that walk down the aisle. She loves the idea of two people staying together for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do they part. She wrote her vows before she could write the alphabet. No matter how challenging the journey may be, protecting the sanctity of her marriage is key. No man is as desirable as her Mr and no one will ever come close, not even Henry Cavill in a fireman’s costume. But a being a great Mrs does not equate to being a great Mum. Loving her man does mean loving poop, sleepless nights, breastfeeding, immunizations, childproofing, colds, coughs, bumps and spills. This is NOT to say she’d make a bad mum but she may feel like a failure at being one because she prefers life without kids more than life with them. In her mind she’s gone from being the happiest wife to the unhappiest mother (which is probably a bit of a stretch). Little does she realise that she just happens to make a better wife than she does a mother. A Mrs may also love her spouse more than her offspring and feel guilty about it all the time instead of just accepting that that’s just how she’s wired. Just because she loves being married and she’s great at it, does not make her Mother or Career woman of the year by default. She could find joy in manning the household or ruling the world the world, but being a WIFE is and will always be her favourite vocation.
3. Mummy – This one is tricky. Marriage was a means to the baby end. She was the best at taking care of all her dolls. She dressed, fed them and comb their hair like a mother would her children. Where most women hate that baby bump, she strokes it with utmost love the bigger it gets. She was born to multitask, change diapers, drive a minivan and yell, ‘drink more water!’ 30 times day. A cup of Starbucks coffee is her bestfriend. She was that friend who always ended up playing with the kids at birthdays and christmases. Being in a kids store for her is like being backstage at a Victoria Secret’s fashion show for a guy; pure heaven. She loves picking out baby names even before they are conceived. This woman was born to procreate and she does it better than anyone else. The moment she hears that first cry, everything and everyone else takes a backseat in her life. She makes pregnancy and motherhood look like a shopping with an American Express Centurion Card (too much fun). She embraces motherhood they same way a child embraces his or her first toy. But just because she makes the rest of us Mums look like slackers, does not make her wifey or career woman of the year. She may make a great wife or a successful career woman or she may not but that’s not the point. The point is that her babies are her life ultimately. Everything she does, she does for them and that gives her the greatest sense of fulfilment. She’s just wired to enjoy Motherhood the way some of us can’t understand and we shouldn’t even bother trying to. Good for her kids!
So back to the point I’m making. STOP beating yourself up over being a lousy career woman, wife or mother. Chances are you ROCK at one and do an average job or suck at the other two and you know what? That’s OK. You are who you are for many different reasons (you know what they are). Identifying which one you are faster, would mean giving yourself and your loved ones more clarity as to who they’re dealing/living with. It would also make you more efficient with your personal choices, resulting in less time wasted on the wrong people, places and things. There’s no right way to be, only that which society makes us believe so. You can have it all and do it all but you’re allowed to not love it all. You are your own woman with your own UNIQUE wants and needs. Your life is yours to live the best way YOU know how.